An unprecedented time

Hello :)

This space has been a part of my life since 2003, from when I was 13 till now when I am turning 30. It has always been a special place for me, where I could be myself and just express my thoughts and secrets.

It seemed right to return to this space at a time like this. An unprecedented time for the entire world, a curveball no one saw coming that impacted our lives and norms like we could never imagine.

A chance to return to basic... to a life of simplicity and learning to find contentment.

We are given the gift of time and learn that it is not easy to use it to the fullest. Inertia, self-doubt, lack of perseverance and sloth are all traits of human weakness.

I have come to appreciate simple joys during this time. I dug out old colouring books, set a goal to read a novel I have left unwrapped for over a year, practiced cartoon drawing, and started an art therapy journal (amazingly published locally by Red Balloon Therapy) as a self-care routine.

Earlier in the year, I actually invested in a new camera. It was a present for myself for turning 30 this year. Unfortunately with all the circuit breaker measures, I have been unable to put it to good use but I do look forward to the time we can enjoy strolling the streets and exploring other countries and cultures.

I decided to take this time and organise some pictures that I have taken so far. It has been almost a year since I received a Pentax ME Super for my last birthday and started dabbling in film photography. I never had the confidence to say that photography is my hobby, but I think I overthink things too much sometimes and I should be proud to say that I am interested and trying to learn more about photography. Film photography especially has taught me to slow down, focus on the moment and treasure each shot. I find it very therapeutic and helps with my concentration. Even through the shots that don't come out well, there is a lesson to be learnt about letting go and just telling yourself to try again next time.

With that said, I tried to see how I could organise my pictures and try to make sense of some of these travels I have made.

No one can expect what lies ahead and how this pandemic will develop and unfold. In Singapore, the government has outlined precautionary measures and plans that could be in effect till the end of the year. Our livelihoods, family dynamics, social interactions and understanding of society's functions will transform and evolve in unforeseeable ways. I do hope to go with the flow well and try to stay positive and optimistic amidst it all.

It is a very interesting year for my friends and I to turn 30 years old. As much as age is just a number, this situation that we are in does make this milestone more memorable and challenging. It is a significant pivot in our life stage and one we can definitely look back on with amazement as we age. I do hope that turning 30 in a time like this could help me better understand myself, my values and outlook on life to help me on this crazy journey of adulthood.

Cheers (because now I love to drink hoho)!

Hello!

Wow once again time flies by.

Wanted to write this to remind myself to be more positive, and stop flooding this space with cringe worthy negativity.

It's ok to feel lost, dejected, wondering if there's any purpose or greater meaning in any of it. Just pick yourself up and remember to make the best of things. Life is a journey to be experienced and not a problem to be solved :)

And hello again.

Every time I come back I always feel like time has flown by. Crazy how ever since I started working, I feel like time really just slips through your fingers. The weeks just zoom by and before you know it, it's almost the end of the year.

I've just found myself at the crossroads once again. As lost as I ever was, still unsure what direction to pursue and what I should be doing with my life.

Though I think I've identified the big dilemma brewing inside of me.

I struggle to come to terms with whether I should force myself to continue trudging down the corporate part, trying to scrape together pieces to form what might seem like a 'proper' professional career that my mother and society keeps pressuring me to establish. Or, should I just fuck it and do something totally different.

My sense of responsibility,  love for the colleagues I've worked with, and good relations with my clients that I've worked with has brought me this far. I've always yearned to do my best in whatever I'm working on but when I ask myself what really makes me happy, it's about helping people, giving, and contributing selflessly. Nothing is more satisfying when you hear a thank you for your help.

I feel like my utter lack of ambition and thirst for accomplishment will always be there. And likely will be the biggest hurdle for me to 'make it' in the corporate world.

So, I'm turning 25 in a bit.
Practically a quarter of my life has passed me by. Slipped right through my fingers.

I've always thought I'm one who embraces self-awareness, self-realisation and self-improvement. I thought I knew myself well - my strengths, weakness, what is attractive about me and what repels people.

Well, what really hurts the most is thinking you know so much - only for it to hit you later that you know nothing at all.

I hate to admit it, but I'm likely having some sort of quarter life crisis. Insecure about my abilities, shocked by the utter lack of emotional maturity I overestimated myself to be endowed with and overwhelmed by actually having real responsibilities and commitments.

The only thing I'm absolutely thankful for is that I'm not alone in this, I actually have a patient partner, encouraging friends and my family who will always be my cornerstones to keep me from crumbling. They offer the hugs, advice, and just simple company that I absolutely need right now.

But at the end of the day, everyone has their limits and patience will run out. I just hope for myself to improve before it's too late and I lose people and things I care about around me.

Looking back, my birthday in 2013 was a beginning. It was the day of my graduation - how apt! - and the day I realised I have to intensely accelerate my personal growth as I'm about to be shoved out into the working world. I was in no way prepared at all.

My birthday in 2014 was a heartbreaking realisation that I was in fact but no one. I felt unjust but nowhere near as lousy and inadequate as I feel now as I approach my birthday in 2015. What was off to a great start has since just unravelled into a terrible, insane mess of mistakes, emotional breakdowns and pure incapability.

I guess it shows I am but human, absolutely imperfect in many ways. I try to tell myself, we show strength depending on how we deal with mistakes and pick ourself up fresh? I'm terrible at that, always harping on negative matters, wallowing in self-pity and getting anxious and panicky due to my oversensitivity - but I have to change. I have to learn to grow up. I have to.

I only pray for the strength to see this through. I don't want to let the people around me down.

Last day of 2014.

Looking back, it's been a pretty crazy year.

Spent a good half of my year in Honeycombers.
Thankful that I made some real good friends in my first job.
Encountered my first tough spot for the year in July.
Was lucky and soon found myself in Clubvivre.
It's been a hectic last stretch of the year, and I'm truly glad that I have someone by my side through it.

Well, I'm pretty excited about 2015.

Life is always so marvellous - you never know what to expect, but I trust that things will always turn out fine :)

Happy new year!

Michel Gondry always amazes me, always.

Wow it's been a while.

I realised it's only when things start to slow down, and I get time to myself, that I think about writing something on this blog.

Doesn't help that writing is all I do at work now, so I just wanna avoid it when I'm out of office.

When I look back at how I stumbled into this job, I find it so absurd.
I never was into writing.
Didn't write a single word for any school publications or whatever, just silly rants and raves on this blog (which I started when I was 16...), and I can't believe I'm writing as a living now.
Or at least for the next year, not sure what I have ahead of me.
We'll see.

Well anyway, this weekend I had some (much-needed) time to myself.
I got to catch up on books and silly korean variety shows, but also tick a few off my 'movies to watch' list.

Watched the (pretty old) French-Spanish movie 'Spanish Apartment', starring Romain Duris and Audrey Tautou, about a French student going on an exchange programme to Spain.
Feel-good movie, made me miss exchange immensely, but that's about it.

The korean movie 'Silenced/ The Crucible' was a whole different story.
I have never cried as much in a movie as I did in this one, and that's seriously saying something.

The screenplay is based on a Korean novel 'The Crucible' by Gong Ji Young, which delves into the true events of sexual assaults, physical and mental abuse, and corruption that took place at a school for deaf children. The movie is all gloominess, helplessness, and sheer heart-wrenching moments.

The good thing is that the release of the film sparked public outcry and a wave of protests which helped to reopen the otherwise relatively known case. Go watch it.