these days,
i feel unfulfilled, dissatisfied, unhappy, lethargic, bored, lonely and meaningless.
clinging on to treasured memories, i struggle to come to terms with my loss.
ive lost my energy, love and myself.
i hate the person ive become and how i portray myself in school.
and because of this, i no longer look forward to coming to school.

my negative characteristics thrive in the current situation im in.
my silence, my drastic mood swings, my oversensitivity, and i become an introvert.
i apologise and i regret but im still as incapable as i ever was at controlling my emotions.
it's been an age old handicap that has given me enough problems.

i miss sc.
i miss the familiarity, the sense of belonging, the carefree-ness, the warmth, the love and how i was more emotionally independent.
or maybe i just wish to escape to the safe sanctuary sc was and forget all my problems.

and deserving special mention, i miss joan tay.
or at least i know i will when she goes back to england to study.
the past few months with her back in singapore have been extremely enjoyable and it was great reliving our delightful times together.
but when she goes back, i wont see her till december.
i know it's just a few months but i cant imagine how will i hold on without her there for me when im in my current state.
im currently turning back to my old friends for their familiar comfort and understanding and i feel myself drifting from the people presently in my life.
i hate it but im too afraid to do anything about it.


today was a pretty bad day for me, emotionally.
it was one hell of a rollercoaster ride.
and just knowing that i was mood swing-ing made me mood swing more.
i hate it, i hate it so much but i cant do anything about it.
im sorry, i really am and i never wished to be so annoying but i just cant help it.
i hate my own negative qualities.
yes im screwed up.
im extremely tangled and messed up right now and i dont know to make myself right again.
i was a mess on the train ride home and i struggled to keep my emotions at bay in a train full of strangers.
and now at home, i know im unable to study.
yet another day wasted but my emotions tend to mess up my prorities.
i will probably sleep it off.
it being the big fat mess that im stuck in.
i will not try to further decipher it cause it just gives me headache.

speaking of headaches, here's a big one- promos
i dont know how am i going to handle it when im in an emotional mess.
my term 3 marks have been atrocious and ive not been studying.
i dont know how am i going to face the promos and how am i going to emerge safely from it and be able to succesfully promote.
i guess i'll just leave this problem till another time cause i just want some rest right now.
to close my eyes and forget all my problems.
maybe some music will help too.