i have never had such a drive to really want something that badly.
i thought i knew what i was doing for the prelims.
my brain was just being fucked up.
and yes i wasted the opportunity.
i was not prepared at all and that huge pool of regret is weighing down on me now.
and i need to know how to not let it get to me so that i can concentrate on studying properly.


i only have one last chance and i feel this surge of energy to do whatever it takes to do well for Os.
i'm quite amazed at what i can do when i put my mind down to it.
i kind of woke up after getting back emath and chem.
i cried damn hard during those two papers cause it hit me like crazy.
i cant believe my emath paper ONE was the one that pulled me down instead of the paper two that i expected.
and when i looked at my fucking B for ELEMENTARY math i was just so shocked.
of all times for me to not get A, its now.
and i cried damn bloody hard when i saw my emath paper 1.
it was not because i couldnt get into my dream jc, it was more like could i even get into cjc- my last choice, could i even get into my last bit of hope for the new life i'm trying to achieve.
chem was a rollercoaster of emotions.
petrina took the wrong mcq answersheet.
and i saw her marks, which was the ideal marks i needed so badly and i was SO HAPPY.
i was totally in this state of relief and immense joy.
and then she turned to me and said 'i'm so so sorry, i took the wrong paper'.
i saw the look in the eyes and i just knew i fucked up my mcq and i did, like usual.
ok i'm just getting carried away.


but yes, i was shocked damn awake.
and i feel this obsessive desire to do well.
i've been coming home to study and it's finally starting to feel natural.


i intend to do well and i know i can and therefore i will.
i'm going to put in that 200% effort that i need to because i'm so much further behind everyone.
and i'm going to get less than 10 points.
although my science is seriously very weak and i have no interest in ANY science at all, making it really hard to even understand the fucking topics, i'm GOING TO MAKE MY BRAIN GET IT IN THE END.
i'm getting that seven points at the end of the year.


i see people everywhere being unhappy with their already very good marks.
seriously, you have not seen a sad situation unless you've seen mine.
so to the people who cried though your score was above the level's average and probably an A but maybe just not an A ONE, please stop complaining.
it's probably the most spoilt and insensitive thing i have ever experienced.
you ought to start thinking about the people around you who would kill for your marks.
if you dont want it, you can always give it to us.


and after listening to the muse songs from their previous album that i burnt, i feel more driven than ever.
and now i'm going to go off to do my math and chem papers (:


Follow through
Make your dreams come true
Don't give up the fight
You will be alright
'Cause there's no one like you in the universe

Don't be afraid
What your mind conceives
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible

During the struggle
They will pull us down
But please, please
Let's use this chance
To turn things around
And tonight
We can truly say
Together we're invincible