And hello again.

Every time I come back I always feel like time has flown by. Crazy how ever since I started working, I feel like time really just slips through your fingers. The weeks just zoom by and before you know it, it's almost the end of the year.

I've just found myself at the crossroads once again. As lost as I ever was, still unsure what direction to pursue and what I should be doing with my life.

Though I think I've identified the big dilemma brewing inside of me.

I struggle to come to terms with whether I should force myself to continue trudging down the corporate part, trying to scrape together pieces to form what might seem like a 'proper' professional career that my mother and society keeps pressuring me to establish. Or, should I just fuck it and do something totally different.

My sense of responsibility,  love for the colleagues I've worked with, and good relations with my clients that I've worked with has brought me this far. I've always yearned to do my best in whatever I'm working on but when I ask myself what really makes me happy, it's about helping people, giving, and contributing selflessly. Nothing is more satisfying when you hear a thank you for your help.

I feel like my utter lack of ambition and thirst for accomplishment will always be there. And likely will be the biggest hurdle for me to 'make it' in the corporate world.

So, I'm turning 25 in a bit.
Practically a quarter of my life has passed me by. Slipped right through my fingers.

I've always thought I'm one who embraces self-awareness, self-realisation and self-improvement. I thought I knew myself well - my strengths, weakness, what is attractive about me and what repels people.

Well, what really hurts the most is thinking you know so much - only for it to hit you later that you know nothing at all.

I hate to admit it, but I'm likely having some sort of quarter life crisis. Insecure about my abilities, shocked by the utter lack of emotional maturity I overestimated myself to be endowed with and overwhelmed by actually having real responsibilities and commitments.

The only thing I'm absolutely thankful for is that I'm not alone in this, I actually have a patient partner, encouraging friends and my family who will always be my cornerstones to keep me from crumbling. They offer the hugs, advice, and just simple company that I absolutely need right now.

But at the end of the day, everyone has their limits and patience will run out. I just hope for myself to improve before it's too late and I lose people and things I care about around me.

Looking back, my birthday in 2013 was a beginning. It was the day of my graduation - how apt! - and the day I realised I have to intensely accelerate my personal growth as I'm about to be shoved out into the working world. I was in no way prepared at all.

My birthday in 2014 was a heartbreaking realisation that I was in fact but no one. I felt unjust but nowhere near as lousy and inadequate as I feel now as I approach my birthday in 2015. What was off to a great start has since just unravelled into a terrible, insane mess of mistakes, emotional breakdowns and pure incapability.

I guess it shows I am but human, absolutely imperfect in many ways. I try to tell myself, we show strength depending on how we deal with mistakes and pick ourself up fresh? I'm terrible at that, always harping on negative matters, wallowing in self-pity and getting anxious and panicky due to my oversensitivity - but I have to change. I have to learn to grow up. I have to.

I only pray for the strength to see this through. I don't want to let the people around me down.