Kengo Kora.
Anne Suzuki.
I've been waiting for months!

Life is strange.
Sometimes you find yourself in situations and environments that you never ever expected yourself to be in.
Nothing is as unpredictable as life.

And so, now I find myself shortlisted for the National HR Scholarship with CapitaLand.
Interview next Friday and I don't know what to expect.
Never applied for a scholarship before nor have I been to a scholarship interview, I am sure it'll be different from a normal internship interview.
I have already failed one internship interview so this is nerve-wrecking stuff for me right now.
My grades are also not fantastic, my track record is not fantastic, I am not fantastic and I don't know how am I going to get the scholarship but I will give it my best shot and we will see how it goes.

I will leave it to the hands of fate like I always do.
I wanted to apply as an attempt to find a direction for me to head towards from this point forward.
So if I get it, that would be a big help but if I don't, at least I tried to do something about my life (:

And back to Hana and Alice.
I randomly felt like watching it today.
It's a queer Japanese movie I remember seeing when I was in secondary school, barely remember much of it and I only recall feeling like this was such a weird dreamy movie but hey years later, it suddenly pops out in my memory and I felt like watching it again.

Right.
Whenever I get so affected and I just want to get things off my chest, I forget whatever else I said before and did not even use my capital letters.
Very often I find myself always forgetting the little promises I make to myself.

I injured my arms during training.
Fucking stupid really.
I wanted to challenge myself and push myself, properly doing the whole routine with Kailing and in the end, I strained my arms.
Thought it was no big deal and went for training again on Saturday.
Over-exerted and now it's just fucking painful.
Never felt such pain in my arms, ever.
Can't brush my teeth proper, can't even take off my shirt without it hurting like fuck and can't even eat properly.
CAN'T EVEN EAT PROPERLY, OH THE HORRORSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS :'(

*Michelle Lai, remember breakfast at Provence? I was in pain trying to put the damn Egg Toast in my mouth :(

But still, although it hurts like fuck and I can't stop saying fuck, I know i gave it my all.
I did every single step of the routine properly and without cheating.
I am proud of Kailing and myself for completing the routine with integrity and determination and now I just hope my body will stop being so damn weak and recover NAOZ.

In the time being, I will laze around the house, drink from a straw cause I can't even lift up a cup to my lips without cursing and read my book.
I just looked out my window and realised today is such a beautiful day, a perfect day to listen to The Cranberries.
One of those sunny days where the sky is a clear blue, the clouds are opaque, the trees are extra green, the wind is blowing my curtains and I am sipping on ice cold drink.

This reminds me of my secondary days, when there was a period nearing exams where I would go home every day, pop in The Cranberries into my cd player and take a nap in my school uniform.
Lazy habits are the best habits imo.

And today I felt like a little kid again, my parents had to take care of me, check on me and bring me to the sensei. I feel embarassed but nonetheless still very grateful. <3

i think i have some serious problems letting go of emotions i feel.
gotta let it rollllllllll, rollllllllllll, rollllllll off my back.

Ello.
Ok I realised I am always too damn lazy to type properly so from now onwards, I shall type with proper capital letters.
I realised while having done report after report in SMU that I am not entirely sure when do I use capital letters.
BIG UH OH.

So yes, this is the start of a new good habit.

Been just living life one day at a time.
Concentrating on work during the weekdays and then concentrating on enjoying during the weekends.
Clocking way too little sleep for my liking but I like to feel like I am utilising my time to the fullest (:

And now just for gushing:

Impossible project.
HQ in Austria, factory in Netherlands.
Saved the last Polaroid production plant and sells awesome Polaroid cameras and newly created Polaroid films online.
opened a project space in Tokyo, Japan.

I WANTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
SO BEAUTIFULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
More reason to <3 Tokyo.

when you read, you reflect and you question.
and i am at a point in my life where i can't help but question my future.
my future career-wise, love-wise, family-wise and also on a much deeper and personal level.
i honestly don't know what to expect and because i don't have any lofty ambitions nor concrete goals, i feel as though i am floating in an ocean and just being swept wherever by the waves.
all along i have always unconsciously yet loyally held on to the belief that everything will work out alright in the end but now that i am older and closer to being pushed out into the working world, i realised that clinging on to such a thought can be just plain silly.
time to make your own decisions, put in the extra effort and think long term.

as i write this i realised i am torn between being idealistic and being realistic.
i feel like i have to do what i am supposed to do, go out and get a proper job and work for years and years.
and yet, i feel like there is no way i am going to be satisfied and there's a much deeper level of happiness and self-fulfillment that i need to ultimately obtain.
how am i going to do so, i have no idea and i worry that i will be like those characters in books where a sort of mid-life crisis hits and you realised that your life is meaningless.

ok crap i think i have been too much murakami but as much as it troubles me, i know its the right kind of thing to put more thought into.