when you read, you reflect and you question.
and i am at a point in my life where i can't help but question my future.
my future career-wise, love-wise, family-wise and also on a much deeper and personal level.
i honestly don't know what to expect and because i don't have any lofty ambitions nor concrete goals, i feel as though i am floating in an ocean and just being swept wherever by the waves.
all along i have always unconsciously yet loyally held on to the belief that everything will work out alright in the end but now that i am older and closer to being pushed out into the working world, i realised that clinging on to such a thought can be just plain silly.
time to make your own decisions, put in the extra effort and think long term.

as i write this i realised i am torn between being idealistic and being realistic.
i feel like i have to do what i am supposed to do, go out and get a proper job and work for years and years.
and yet, i feel like there is no way i am going to be satisfied and there's a much deeper level of happiness and self-fulfillment that i need to ultimately obtain.
how am i going to do so, i have no idea and i worry that i will be like those characters in books where a sort of mid-life crisis hits and you realised that your life is meaningless.

ok crap i think i have been too much murakami but as much as it troubles me, i know its the right kind of thing to put more thought into.